Happiness

Dear Me,
Remember that happiness and heartache can exist at the same time. Simultaneous bliss and grief can dance together, each taking a turn and claiming their rightful places in my heart. I can look too far ahead and the tear that always awaits its turn spills over my cheek. And then I catch one glimpse of her and the joy steals the sorrow.

“Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go”

How do they do this to me? The babes that have to me been given…how do they make my heart nearly burst with these impossible depths and peaks? I can hold them, but never tight enough. I can teach them, but they still have a will their own. I can try to tell them all the things they are to me, but what happens after they hear is their own story. And I’m reminded again, they are not mine forever…not even now fully. For just a short time they are close enough that my arms can cradle them.

“Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks”

So how do I do this? How do I keep walking? I suppose it’s ok to let the happiness and the heartache move side by side in my soul. I suppose it’s ok to embrace this ironic duo. Because I get to be their Mama. And someday I wish for them to know the belly laughs of happiness and also the pangs of grief that will grow their hearts big. Dear Me.

“Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar”