Back in my Wheelhouse

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“Wheelhouses are small spaces with excellent visibility, where the skipper is in control of the boat and prepared to face any dangers that it might encounter. In a wheelhouse, a boat’s pilot can practice his ‘core competencies’ in an area with lots of ‘blue ocean’ and the opportunity for plenty of ‘blue-sky thinking.'”*

I really wanted to drink lemonade.  I wanted to sit back and enjoy the view and the fruits of our hard work in these months. I wanted to watch the sun rise and set be pleased, relieved and filled. I wish I could plan life and have it obey me, allow me to tame it.

I’ve found myself a bit undone though. Unexpectedly but maybe expectedly actually, when I think about what I’m trying to accomplish-the raising of four souls who will understand who they are and Who loves them better than I, a home that houses peace that we can return to after a day that’s long, a wellness and happiness in myself and all that well-roundedness that I hear is so important. And also the endless amount of things that I spread myself way too thin over till I come up empty and wondering how on earth I ended up here, with nothing to give.

Here. Where I’m overwhelmed with life and my shortcomings and not sure what absolutely necessary thing I should tackle next with the very little I have to offer. I want so badly for life to be easy. I want so much for answers and reassurance right in front of me in black and white where I can see that it’s true that I’m doing ok, that I’m liked and loved. But then I remember again that the hard things remind me of who God really created me to be and how easy doesn’t make me better.

Here. Where I’m asking, “What do I want to do? What do I REALLY want to do?” “What do I love and what moves me?” I’m trying to wrangle this wandering spirit in me that moves in impulsivity and hand it over to Jehovah Raah who is “The Lord my Shepherd” because He leads me and helps me to keep simplicity a reality. He centers me on what I love. And not what I think I “should” do or do only because I’m afraid of not.

I got out of my wheelhouse recently and it hasn’t gone well. Thankfully there was grace even there. Grace in the form of a husband who listened long into my words laced with tears. Grace in the form of friends who told me where to put my foot when I wasn’t sure there was ground to stand on. Grace in the form of the early spring sun coming out of dark winter.

I’m always tempted to keep a pretty facade on our life. One that doesn’t reveal stumbling or doubt or need. But then I think of how relieved I am when someone braver admits to these very things and I feel my shame and my pride fade. So here I am. Admitting that there are times when life feels hopeless, impossible, distracted and disorienting but Hope has found me again and I’m seeing the blue ocean that I love and long for. The one that allows for “plenty of blue-sky thinking” and a place to write these words.

*Bruce Watson, Senior Writer for DailyFinance