The Reason I Write.

  
I write to Emmy because I want to leave her something beautiful. 

In a world that is full of rush and little reprieve, brimming with harshness and short on harmony, creating something for her that is my heart, that is my best-something that soothes her when life becomes too much-this is my earnest desire and wish.

I want to leave something beautiful for all my children. To each, gifts both tangible and not.

It is interesting that beauty takes on a different definition than it used to for me-now using my mothering eyes and perspective. From here I’ve learned that it is not a perfect version of myself and the best things that can be bought for my kids. It is not parenting without failure, but rather leading them with  grace. It is sincere apologies after loud and frustrated words. It is stopping to hear them when they tell me the things that made them laugh or the stories they’ve dreamed up, even when time is short and responsibility screams my name. Listening to their words and heart when they cry and helping one more time when I feel I’ve already given more than I am able. Carving out time just for each one in the crowded places of life and putting down my distractions so I can be truly present to them. It is creating quiet refuge for them in my arms when the world rejects or harms. It is gratitude from the very depths of me for them-so much that it’s tangible in the way I hold their cheeks and kiss their heads. It is all of these things.

But it is also my letters. I’ve found a way to express to them how I feel and how to mark the momentous and minute-it is in words, in simple black and white. Not always polished and certainly not perfect-but maybe all of these broken parts may add up to an aesthetic expression of my affection for them.  

Someday they may be desperate to make sense of nonsense. They may believe that chaos and cruelty are winning and they may feel overcome or afraid. I want them to have something I tried hard to make lovely, something that softens the rough surfaces of their lives, something that they can return to-to remind them of who they are.

I write because I want to leave them something beautiful. 

6 thoughts on “The Reason I Write.

  1. I have to admit that when I read your post, I cry. A lot. In the beginning, it was your sadness about Emmy’s diagnosis, while all the while I was loving her so much. But I didn’t have to go through all the sleepless nights that you did. You were so tired and my heart ached for you. But you were so smart and knew something was wrong, just as I did. Then you went to CHOP and we got our answer. Still I loved her with all that I am, but that was all I could do. For 3 years now, you have given of yourself even though you thought you were neglecting the others. But I know they never thought that way. They jumped right in there with you, and they loved, laughed and applauded her constantly. They know that you love them sooooo much, because you continually give of yourself. You doubt yourself too much, Katy, you need to applause yourself. These blogs need to be put into print, permanently, so you can read them when you are my age. I love you so much, you don’t know how much. Maybe someday you will.

    • Thank you mom. ❤️ Your words mean so much and your love for Emmy is immense and she knows it-so do the other kids. Thank you for encouraging me and for loving us all the time.

  2. I came here in search of shared thoughts on my daughters condition (she also has WS), but instead I found another MOTHER. Thank you so much! I hope you will continue writing!

    • Hi! So glad you stopped by!:) Thanks so much for reading and for reaching out-I hope your daughter is doing well! Emmy is almost 3 now and is doing great.:) Hope to see you around again!:)

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